Name: Mike Eglon
Picked up on a free transfer at the start of the 2016/17 season, Mike's quickly established himself as AFC's very own Tony Hibbert.
Marauding up and down the right flank a la Hibbert at his 2005/06 peak, Mike has had similar frustrations finding the back of the net, resulting in the return of some anger problems he thought he'd overcome post-puberty.
Although one of the team's most consistent performers this season, it's been a challenging start to the 2017 calendar year for Mike, with his fluctuating weight issues leading pundits to compare him to the original Ronaldo for all the wrong reasons.
As head water boy of a Premier League club, Mike has taken it upon himself to make the player-coach role mainstream again by putting the lads through their paces at training this term. Introducing some innovative stretches in the warm-up, look out for Mike's aerobics DVD appearing alongside 'Charlotte Crosby's 3-minute belly blitz' in the bargain bucket of your local HMV soon.
Away from the pitch, you'll often find Mike organising his cones, polishing his stopwatch or pretending he is on first name terms with Premier League footballers.